herlucidlife

I’m looking for the one guy, true love because I’m tired of filler love. That lust or liking you, entertaining for the time being but both knowing it’s nothing real. I’ve forced myself into falling in love simply because that person housed all my drugs of choice: weed, alcohol, and sex. Now don’t be fooled. I don’t think every strange man that looks my way is the guy for me. It’s more so I feel a soul connection, if I feel supported and cared for even in just a small way I’ve immediately melted to the floor. The issue is that once I’m hooked there’s no unhinging me. Going on a year and some change of liking and admiring this young man, I see things I’d never seen before. Qualities that those in my past relationships never housed and never wanted to house. 

Different, I feel and sense something different. I know I’m not ready for him. I know I’m not ready for the emotional capacity a true friendship and loving relationship entails. I barely reach out to my current community let alone trying to add another. I recently acquired a sponsor through the grace of God. She will be helping me work the steps and the program to the best of my ability. A sense of obligation has come onto me because this person symbolizes an aspect of my recovery that I have not tapped into yet. As I learn through sponsorship and step work how to regulate my emotions and better understand myself then I know through God’s Hand He will and is preparing me for this person. My person.

Until then and also after then I have work that needs to be done. Granted this person will need to be ready for me in that they will play a part in my recovery. They will need to know I’m an addict and what that means. I’ll need to know how to guide them that they may support me in recovery while also understanding the dangers of active addiction. My life will forever be centered around addiction recovery, that means my significant other will need to be on board fully for what my day to day life needs in order to stay clean and focused on returning to health. The everyday person is not an addict. Though our society is consumed with excess, that does not mean people are addicted. It’s more so an attitude of “it’s there so why not partake.”

Granted some are addicted and don’t know it. I was the same way and in knowing my own excess I can honestly say I’ve never met an addict until I truly met myself in active addiction. The proof is in the action and not the words. Words can either penetrate the heart and soul or fall to the ground void vanishing like dust before it can make an impact. I oftentimes wonder…what power do my words hold?