herlucidlife

I got a cat. Excitement, pure joy with a lot of nervous energy ensued the day leading up to it. Yet the moment he got home, fear and tears caught in my throat my fellow addicts had to talk me down from almost having a panic attack. Since being in the house a day and some change my emotions have been docile, numb, a ball of just unidentifiable unrest. Forcing myself to be patient. Forcing myself to take it one day at a time. I don’t know that I’m made for this. Character defects are coming up. Issues setting boundaries and sticking to that line not being crossed. 

I feel ugly, ungrateful and shameful. Guilty for wanting to take my animal back to the shelter. Shameful because what I prayed for is the very thing creating a turmoil in my pit. This mental disease I carry everyday can make the simplest things debilitating, even a seemingly happy occurrence can bring fear. Everyday I’m reminded of how much I need God and that I am nowhere close to where I want to be. Texting the church guy I have a mad crush on has led me to understand that I have absolutely no clue of who I truly am in lieu of being God’s child. 

I have a very small concept of who God has called me to be and what the manifestation of that reality looks like. I want to give this cat back yet every time I think about it, I know I’d miss him dearly. He’s teaching me more about myself than any romantic relationship ever has. He’s stubborn, hard headed, terrifically loving and just wanting someone to truly love and take care of him. He is in some part a huge extension of myself. God is teaching me something through this little animal. I owe it to my relationship with God and myself to see what is on the other side of this numbed out brain. 

My daily routine has changed or perhaps it would be more normal yet I chose to differ from my usual. I don’t look to the left or right and think “man it could be worse.” I don’t diminish my emotions by identifying the horrors in someone else’s life. Following me around the house, napping together, my heart is full. Something I was fearful to admit is that I’m scared of being completely selfless. Being of service without regard to the unbalanced chemicals in my head, I often forget about daily work tasks because I’m too focused on a perception my mind cooked up. Alternate realities are dangerous, though I walk around with an image that does not reflect the world I live in. I pray for a better attitude because I’m too blessed to allow fear to steal joy.