herlucidlife

God has so much patience with me, while mine is running thin with my animal. Looking for any reason to throw in the towel. One day at a time is often hard to do, so one moment leading into minutes is all I have. Head in the clouds and not the pink kind; these look a little gray with embers of dull yellow. Self absorbed, obsessed with this mind, it’s a compulsion because I really want to stop yet somehow can not with my own will. 

I tend to gravitate toward the person that can’t help me, looking for something beyond myself. Talking to him feels so good, it scares me because I hide a little of myself. Hidden out of fear perhaps, I always knew I spooked easily yet at this point in my life it’s becoming a little too much of an everyday companion. I can’t date, I’m not even supposed to entertain the idea in my mind. From a distance his intent seems pure of getting to know the other. I’ve always had a hard time separating emotions from actions. My intent is to get to know to obtain (period). 

Thing is…how am I to obtain someone when my heart posture toward myself is ugly? What does love look like when it’s tainted by how I see myself? Foolish, I don’t want to let go. Stubborn I don’t want to distance myself. Would I look crazy if I truly shared what’s behind my eyes. Sharing is uncertain because it’s never sure how it could turn out. My biggest concern is not looking crazy, I already feel insane and unstable. Doing my best to follow what my sponsor strongly suggests, every recovering addict knows anything crucial, especially dating is off limits in the first year. Stupid because no one has asked me out so maybe I’m just running myself thin, because let’s be real, someone who doesn’t love themselves can be hard to love. 

Just typing this out, feeling out of my element. Fish out of water, rice with no white, the sun with no golden shine. Self pity is ugly. Neglected by me, feeling like I’m drowning but maybe I’m not doing so bad. N.A. meetings, sponsor and recovering addict sisters have reminded me that I’m better than I was two months ago. The road is long, life long, never ending. So perhaps this is just a depth I’ve never experienced before. I’ll let go, do my best to surrender and let God move the mountains out my way. I’m going to sleep.