herlucidlife

There is work being done in me while being patient for what I truly want. I took the cat back. I’d be lying to myself if I said I got him for reasons of truly wanting to give this animal a beautiful home. I just wanted something cute to pet when I felt down. Selfish in my reasoning, immediately my life was about him and not about myself and I didn’t like it. He deserves way more than what I’m willing to give, though he was taken care of my heart is far removed from the situation. I’m getting better at identifying when something isn’t for me. 

The thing is I wonder if I run away because of fear rather than standing in the face of it? More so I worry about my level of commitment, do I have commitment anxiety? Always looking for what could be on the horizon or always feelings ill fitted…why can’t I stick and stay? I wait for God to tell me when to speak. I eagerly work while waiting for Him to give me the signal to move. I say I don’t want a response to what I want to share, yet isn’t that the main reason for sharing…to be responded too? Because if I truly shared with my crush the true crush emotions I harbor it would hurt my feelings to not have gained some type of wording, though actions are far from my yearning. My stomach turns at the thought, even she ain’t ready for that plate of food.  

Watching the nature of this person, kindness would meet my words. Yet I will continue to observe because One, God hasn’t said share anything. Two, depending on the words it could create a pain I do not have the capacity to accept. Three, additional baggage or mental strain will not be handled at this time. The effort currently evident through these words is quite enough for me. Besides, a dream has already landed in my lap and I’d like to enjoy the simplicity of it a little while longer. I often complicate things with my wording. I mean every inch of my letters, every alphabet adds punctuation to my heart. Empty words aren’t my forte, lest I be a sounding gong.