herlucidlife

As of late, I’ve been feeling good in my recovery. Focused on the task at hand and nothing more. I am obsessed over the guy I like. Just one guy, we don’t speak super often yet my mind swirls with him everyday. I pray over him because it’s the only way I know to surrender. Obsessing, overthinking is me trying to control situations I have no control over. I speak his name to Christ because it eases my soul of negative self talk. I know in my heart God walks with him because even in my obsession and selfishness I yearn for this person to be whole. It’s easy for me to make assumptions, the truth is my hypothesis doesn’t matter because it’s not based on reality. 

My reality is only open to one perception…God’s perception. My world is only open to heart felt platonic love, something that I tend to shy away from with men. I don’t know how to be friends with someone I’m physically and spiritually attracted to. Every guy friend I had was absolutely never on my romantic radar, it’s what made the friendship possible. I don’t know how to separate romantic emotions just to be a friend. God is teaching me a valuable lesson in self worth, self love, and acceptance. God shows me unconditional love so I don’t need to go looking for it in the bed sheets of a human man. 

Validation, seeking sweet beautiful nothings, a substitute for a dying love inside. I always knew that wasn’t something I wanted for myself. Yet compulsion wouldn’t let me stop til now. I’ve internalized that since I was seventeen I have not been without a man for more than two months…I’m now twenty-nine. Finding a man is easy, yet attracting the one God has for you while also being whole in Christ yourself is rare. Taking this time to step back, away from the playing field, away from the manipulative way I snatch hearts to get what I want. The one thing I truly yearned for was never obtainable through the life of the world. 

For the first time in a long time I don’t feel used up. I don’t hate myself for bad choices. Though I have difficulty saying “I love myself.” I realized that for the past forty-seven days clean I have loved myself in action. Doing what’s best for myself, prioritizing God and recovery. It feels good emotionally, spiritually, physically to be centered knowing I walk the correct path.