herlucidlife

Emotions welling up in my throat. This is the second week in a row where I had to leave work early due to being overwhelmed to the point of tears. Excusing myself, simply with no knowledge to anyone else. I’ve been in this position at my job for a little over a year and the feeling of being well is completely absent. I’m so upset I could kick a rat. Herding cows would be easier than getting folks to adhere to the boundary line. The only way to draw the hardline is to put my phone on Do Not Disturb. Respect for personal time is lacking. I pray to God for direction because something is completely lacking. 

I stopped feeling fulfilled at my job a long time ago, yet I don’t do enough to secure another job. Looking for other work I’m not qualified for much else. Working two jobs bout killed me. Getting some motivation to hustle my balm business in order to switch professions. Something has to shake because clearly I’ve overstayed my welcome. Low energy could barely get through my workout without deep breathing because I could feel the anger draining strength out of my body. Talking to God, whispering to Him because I know He sees and understands my heart’s troubles and desires. 

Asking for Him to grant me the words and correct tone of voice to speak to people like I have some sense. Office hours are completely ignored getting called on the weekend at any time, it seems I need a boost in pay if I’m going to be on call too. Working overtime to give empathy instead of anger, sometimes empathy is irrational. I don’t own my peace if it can be easily taken away. Woke up this morning to the sun shining yet for some reason it did not manifest into my heart. Beginning the day with an inspirational video on how to heal the heart. Sent by my sponsor, I don’t usually watch videos in the morning. Laying in the bed listening with my eyes closed to the opinions and experiences of another fellow addict. My mind became full before my feet hit the floor. 

Going to the feet of Jesus taking in His word. I began to feel lighter. Talking with my sponsor about ourselves and everything under the sun, going to another meeting shortly after. I couldn’t shake the negative energy stuck on me. Going from alright to down right tearful…I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what made me feel so uneasy. I don’t know what brought my mind down. Not having a good grasp on my own emotions they tend to sway based on the earth’s rotation. For now my emotions control me. Thinking hard about what it could have been; was it the topic of conversation with my sponsor? Was it watching the video before going to pray? Or was it simply just my mind wanting to attack me?

I like to think I understand myself yet the truth is I don’t and some days it’s too much to even give the possibility of understanding a second thought.