herlucidlife

Something I’ve never had with a guy I’m crushing on is friendship. I’ve never been friends with someone I wanted to be with for the long term. I do not know how to cultivate that aspect of a romantic relationship. I tend to rush right past it. God is so good, He is forcing me to slow down by placing boundaries based on my recovery. God knows that the most important thing to me is my recovery. Relapsing it out of the question. Any recovering addict knows that if anything goes above recovery then it will surely be destroyed by unhinged addictive nature. See I love this person. I pray for him as he’s mine. Though beautiful, if he becomes a bigger priority over my recovery, I will ruin anything good. 

God is forcing me to prioritize my mental health over seeking love. God is forcing me to go deeper in Him rather than going ahead to a man. God is forcing me to love myself before loving this person. God is forcing me to slow down so I don’t ruin myself and someone else. Granted these words are one sided, he has a choice to make for himself. I’ve already made mine. I do not ask God what choice he’s made because I do not want the answer. Please don’t think I’m delusional. I’m just blinded by good faith and willingness to go deeper in Christ to find the man I’ve been praying over. 

He can’t be my forever love if I’m not also his. There has to be two way communication, both signaling “yes.” I love God so much because we aren’t at that stage. This stage is for friendship only, nothing romantic just genuine platonic care. God made sure I could not and would not go around Him this time. Driving the car I am the passenger doing exactly what He asked of me, nothing more nothing less. Most days I’m like a fiend but I would never tell him that, so I tell it to God. Then I whisper, “You know the desires of my heart” and immediately I feel at ease. God is my Father, willfully listening to me. I do my best to keep it short yet even He knows some days I just have to let it out. I only speak of my crush to God and those I trust dearly. I’d not tell him anything because at this time it would be disobedient.

Good intention at the wrong time is disobedient. Truth without a green light from God is disobedient. Speaking from the heart when God said to be quiet is disobedient. I’m learning that disobedience is not always black and white, it is not always good versus bad, yet it is anything that goes out of what God told me to do right now in this moment.