herlucidlife

I’m embarrassed about my last post. Stomach churning sick about my thought process. Truth is I’m an addict and men have been my drug of choice for years. I will obsessively and compulsively marinate over someone without them even doing anything. I will purposely take everything personal when it has nothing to do with me. See I had a moment of clarity coming from the gym. I was appalled at my own sureness of this man. I have no clue who this person is yet I love him?!

Please girl for everyone’s sake and mine stop vomiting words. Talking to myself, sitting on the edge of the tub. Body aching from that time of the month. Honestly, I know he’s not the one. I’ve been so driven to find that guy, that any guy is the one in my book even the fine young man at the gym could be the one. I’m troubled and unwell. I have to stop telling myself that because the mental exercises keep proving it so. What’s worse is that I blamed my reasoning on God. I never wanted to accept that just because this person loves the Lord doesn’t mean God set him aside for me. 

Who you witnessed in my last reading was the addict. She’s the one that will make clarity out of mud. She’s the one that will stake her name on it with no hint from God. Deep down I know God is simply leading me deeper into Him. There is no “one,” it’s only God and me. For right now I’m the one. For eternity God is my One and Only. What do I expect to gain once I get this man? Do I expect additional healing? A happier outlook on life? Or do I just want him because it would mark the box “checked?” 

Have I once again confused lust with love? I always have, it wouldn’t surprise me if this is the same case. A weight has been lifted confirming what I’ve known all along. Father God I confess I tried to put words in Your mouth because of something my flesh wanted. Nothing against him at all, it’s really my jacked up perception trying to turn everything into a benefit rather than being of genuine service. Once again I wanted someone to add to my life while I would take away from theirs. Self centered.