herlucidlife

Intention. Had to clarify my motives. I stay my distance because my intent towards this young man is to obtain not to be of good service. Giving to receive not giving to give. I use my nice girl charms to manipulate what I want. Ratting on myself, nothing but the truth. Since stepping back from dating, purposely and also by force with recovery. One of the patterns I’ve seen in my first step that brings the most mental strain are finances, looking for love draped in lust and not being super settled in my career. Being an addict means my disease will show up in every area of my life. 

I’ve been acting on my disease willingly. Anxiety fills my chest when he is near. Anxious energy fills my bones at the thought of his pending nearness. My fellow reader, can you see how he has filled my mind so much that I have a hard time focusing on my recovery? I know for a fact that I would put him ahead of my recovery if given the opportunity. I’m dangerous to myself in regard to him. Taking all the blame, I don’t want to speak negatively of myself. Shaking my head in utter disbelief, you can see something is off, right?

Please say you do! It’ll give me some comfort in knowing that maybe I’m not the only person that is obsessed like this. Is this how the stalker mind works? Like my head hurts just thinking about it, my mind won’t shut up about him. Like goodness just choke me out now so it can stop…but it won’t. Sometimes I think what if this was the devil tempting me in a progressive way that I’d never experienced before? What if Satan was trying to knock me off my rocker with someone I wanted by masking it as godly? I get confused with the voices in my head. Some whisper while others shout. 

Yet at the end of all the mental noise, there’s no peace, no shift in perspective, just a hurt head and a wounded heart…I held the torture tool this time, it wasn’t even the devil’s fault.