herlucidlife

Just you wait and see, by a year’s time I won’t even want to date anyone. By the time that year mark comes I won’t even want this man anymore. I’ll be so full of internal peace that I would’ve stopped looking to bring someone to my life and siphon off theirs. So much in me will change, I owe it to myself to leave all doors wide open that God and I may walk through together arm in arm. I don’t need a man but dang it if I don’t want one. He is not needed now. He is only lusted after. 

Being honest with myself for the first time since my mind began this crush with an imaginary person. Let me be clear, he is a real person yet my mind took the reality and turned him into a fantasy in order to fit my own personal disease of addiction. I prayed about it. God grants mental reprieve until I walk myself back around to my favorite topic. Please listen to me rant for one more moment because it’s late at night and that’s when my thoughts tend to stab pretty hard. 

I was relieved from my thoughts about him until a couple moments ago. Blessings written in permanent marker on my mirrors, slowly filling up every mirror in the house. I wrote his name down. Not because he’s mine but because even just knowing him from a little distance is fascinating. Hitting my sixty day milestone surrounded by N.A. family. It’s a miracle this program works. I’m a living witness. I’ve successfully stayed clean and ignited a recovery simply because doing what God commanded works. 

My actions are listening to God intently. My mind is more rogue, she’s a sneaky little sucker. Ducking and dodging trying to figure out how to jump over boundaries. God’s lines keep those kept in safety, security, and good company by Him.