herlucidlife

Shook. Stunned. Nervous energy balled into a tight fist slowly relaxing with relief. Things are happening quicker than I anticipated. God’s allowing the hearts desire to speak life faster than a blink. Have you ever prayed for something and then asked God to hold on because His deliverance was too sudden? But I asked for this? Right? Felt low yesterday for no reason at all, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being hollow. Even air occupies the spaces of emptiness, never fully void. I was honest with my N.A. group about dating my person. It’s like the sun shines in my heart, it’s like seeing gold embers glisten off his skin. 

It felt good being open with my people. Dating isn’t allowed in the first year of recovery, yet God had something different in mind. I wasn’t looking to date or even be with anyone, fortunately I prayed for someone and something that glorifies God. Going deeper into God and my recovery because of this person, he brings out the best in me. So similar while different, learning about myself has been the main focus and God has shown a deeper level of self awareness. Sitting in my emotions, being able to identify when I feel self-centered and traveling to the root of it allows me the opportunity to not act out. Instead I reprocess that energy into compassion, quieting my mind rather than lashing out at people I love. 

Jesus is the main topic of conversation. Picking apart the bible and its lessons warms my soul. Conversation ranging from superficial to the depths of our spiritual oceans…I’m learning how to swim with him. I’m not going into detail because I want something just for him and I and no one else. I will end with thank you God for this person, every single day knowing him is a true blessing. Feeling his hand in mine is like touching the ends of the earth and seeing that light resides there, My personal golden hour. 

God taught me a great lesson in self righteousness, sometimes it looks like being angry with someone for something you’ve also done yourself. Sometimes it looks like being self centered about the pain someone has caused to themselves. Jesus got me right on the anger I had toward my friend. He showed me that I had a lot of ill placed emotions. Not every feeling is valid for the moment, not every emotion is appropriate for the time. I could sit here and say my emotions towards my friend hurting themselves was valid but I know better. I was upset at how their pain affected me, that was wrong. I should’ve had more concern for them than myself. Once again, details of another’s life isn’t important. What is important are the ways God is teaching my mind to look inward to change rather than looking outward to find a fix. 

Acting out when undesirable emotions come into play can be a learned action, it also can be unlearned if the work is put in.