herlucidlife

Being honest I think about him way too much. I call him my person because I’m his person. Life has moved so organically and quickly, God is constantly allowing space for us to be honest in a deep way. Closeness is gradual yet it’s deeper than anything we had some months ago. It can be difficult to focus on other things yet daydreaming about him does not help me further the individual path God has me on. Dreams are coming to fruition, prayers are becoming reality. Doing my best to not steal joy, I’m still trying to understand that it is okay to live life without thinking the other shoe could drop. I didn’t think that lingering effects of my depressive state would be here. Going on four months clean, lingering sadness hangs in the loneliness of my alone time. 

I was disappointed in myself because I didn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t push past my emotions today. Woke up sensing some sadness, my mind wasn’t in it today. Going to two N.A. meetings I decided to do nothing else but lay in bed and watch tv. Hip socket tight from not moving, folded into a pretzel going nowhere. I’m scared to get deep but here goes…emotional withdrawals come into play after a long evening with him. My mind won’t think straight ever, whether I’m with him or not my emotions are choking me out. Suffocating myself with a thin rope, I feel weak. Weak for letting my feelings get the best of me. Fragile for allowing my emotions to take the front seat. Delicate because I should’ve pushed past my hidden misunderstood sentiments yet it didn’t happen. 

How do I address sadness that sits underneath the surface yet on top of my soul? Immediately I woke up and something felt off inside. I do my best to explain it to myself. It’s like a call that didn’t get answered, plans are thrown off and all of a sudden the floors in the house feel muggy with mist. Intense with comatose energy, waking up feeling like I haven’t slept in days exhausted and mentally foggy throughout the day. Sitting on the couch answering step work questions, my mind can’t even fathom thinking about anything else other than God, recovery, and him. I care about my blog and my business…deep down my day job is very hard to focus on and I’m not sure what is being said here. I need the money yet when coworkers talk to me about issues, concerns, or operations going smoothly I could literally care less. 

Is this nonchalant mood a sign? I’m not sure what I’m doing, taking life one day at a time. Doing my best to walk lightly through this life, making no sudden movements. I just don’t know or maybe I do know and fear is enforcing paralyzing procrastination.