herlucidlife

Feeling like I talked about absolutely nothing at all in my last post. It was giving no need to share or over sharing..who really knows. I do my best to focus on other things, tasks, or any part of life that doesn’t involve him…it doesn’t work. I beg God to remove these lustful thoughts. I love that I desire all of him, not just certain parts. Obsessed, I’m full of withdrawals when I can’t access him physically and when I leave his presence I feel something is missing. I’ve never dated someone in my clean state of mind, he is the first person I willingly allowed into my heart with no reservation or fear. 

I whisper “I love you” underneath my breath and in the depths of my mind. I do not say it to him because I want my love to have action and not just words. Word love is emotional, while love being an action is rooted in the soul saying, “I care about you even when the times are difficult and I don’t understand what’s going on.” I’ve always said “I love you” too soon in my head but the actions never aligned with my actions. What does my love action look like? Am I so hard on myself that I can’t tell that my action is loving as it can possibly be?

I can’t remember if I spoke about this already or not but just indulge me because my mind won’t shut up about him. I pray for some kind of relief yet it gets worse after Amen. Though I care about him deeply, I can not allow him to stand in the way of what needs to happen in my life. Not looking for a cop out, he doesn’t stand in the way rather I put him in the way. My mind is the biggest obstacle at the moment. He’s done nothing to hinder anything rather he gives me motivation to keep going and stick to the path God has set for me. 

Deep down I’m scared God will tell him I’m no good for him. Deep down I’m terrified God will say no. I’m well yet sometimes things feel off and not connecting like they should. Granted, would I feel any different if “they” did connect? Who are they? It’s the emotional toll that makes life feel unmanageable. I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I don’t want to say I’m in love. It feels too early for all that jazz. Yet, that is exactly what I’m experiencing. Drugs always numbed or dulled the emotions I was feeling and I’m not used to the severity of this love toxin. 

Pray for me.