herlucidlife

The small troubles of life send me into an emotional breakdown. Good, bad or indifferent can send me into a crisis mindset. I say “I don’t know how to cope with life.” When really I don’t know how to carry the emotional baggage of it all. The central air conditioning unit in my home has been on the fritz, I noticed a problem at the beginning of May. Procrastinating not wanting to be bothered, hoping that it would fix itself the issue got worse as the heat rose. Texas is notorious for its high heat and with it being one hundred degrees this week it’s around eighty-three in the house. 

I didn’t want to fix it because I really don’t have the money for it. I save to the best of my ability yet it isn’t enough to get the issue resolved. Life scares me. Getting in touch with someone finally, the solution is coming into reality. Sitting in my daily N.A. Meeting ants had filled the kitchen floor. Scrambling to find bug spray and the point of entry, I had an emotional breakdown crying on the floor. I want to lash out. I want to cry. I want to start the day over but here I am on a Friday at 5:30PM thinking, “why can’t I just be normal?” 

I say I want more for myself when I can barely handle the little I have. I want joy within myself when I can’t even manage fickle external happiness correctly. The days have been a struggle to get through without feeling off. I try to explain it but it doesn’t even make sense to me. Treading in new territory, feet on uncertain soil, my head bounces from concrete to in the clouds and back again. Doing my best to find the in between, the middle ground. True honesty would say there is no middle for me yet. Vulnerable admitting that I don’t know where life is going or the reason for the rhythm. 

What’s certain is God meets me in every single low place, every single open road and every single dark corner. With Him, I can start over. I can turn over in the midst of the day and do something different. It’s okay to not be in the middle and off balance…it’s okay.