herlucidlife

Letting things settle into my soul. Getting comfortable with the idea of leaving home and making a new one somewhere else. I see how God has been preparing me over the years. I was never fully ready until now. Being partially ready is not ready but pending. I was in the phase of pending and didn’t realize that emotions of fear, loneliness and abandonment can allow hast to be camouflaged into readiness. Insecurity has been flashing red in my face. When does the idea of being worthy and enough come into my soul? Nothing outside of myself can make that reality for me yet somehow I keep thinking that working out, eating healthy or even having a boyfriend will make me feel better. 

Obviously I don’t. Sharing at the NA meeting I could feel the tears reaching the top of my throat, finishing what I needed to say I cut my Zoom camera off and cried enough to release the tension and rejoin the meeting. How is it possible that God does all these beautiful things in me and through me, calling me chosen by name and yet still insecurity is so engrand it’s closer than His breath in me. I don’t ask for much of anything, God graciously blessed me with people who are willing to do the most. Been praying for God to show me where to go next in this life…nothing is concrete. A trusted church member said to follow my heart. Funny thing is my heart houses God and a boyfriend I’m still learning. Wanting to move the next state up to be close to him, the scene of the girl moving for her man and then becoming heart broken is stuck in my mind on repeat.

There’s a personal ministry in my heart past this relationship and things feel clouded and not solid. I was doing my best to remove him from the equation in my mind, just seeing God and I…I allowed him to sneak back in. Not at his doing, he’s not mentioned anything about me being closer, it’s solely something I’ve conjured in my mind to make the end goal all make sense. Seems pointless factoring someone in when it feels minimum is only factored about me. I’m always grateful for what I receive, always saying thank you when deep down I know that what is given is his minimum and every guy I’ve been with the minimum has increased yet it’s not quite been the most.

Perhaps the most isn’t for me. Either way I have more important things to work on rather than thinking of how someone is or isn’t fitting me into their life. I always hear “a guy will move mountains when you’re the one, the woman God told him…that’s your wife.” Only stones have been moved for me and the only Man moving mountains for me is Jesus…so Jesus is my forever person, whoever else is just here for the moment