herlucidlife

Is faith sticking around longer than needed hoping that God turns it into something? Or is faith having the courage to leap when the valley is dark knowing God will catch me? I speak rashly when emotions have taken me out of my right mind. Saying things I wouldn’t dare say to a living soul while hiding in my safe place, I write them down with permanent online ink. Yesterday was a low and it hit while on a getaway with my boyfriend. Not used to be wanted past what I could do for a man; sex, money or both was always something that was wanted from me. The insecurity comes in that I have a hard time believing that what is on the inside is a rare gem. My inner being is a work of majestic art, yet some days my mind sees it as five day old leftovers having to be sniffed to make sure it isn’t rotten. 

God has shown courage in me I didn’t know I had, faith in His power that I thought I lacked. My heart is in Oklahoma, I don’t want to be anywhere else. My brain factors in what the world will think, what family will say yet my actions have always been to live my life with no concern to the ideas of others. I’ve always been pro-choice when it comes to radical living. The only right way to live life is through Jesus, the wrong way to live is of the world. Any person can go with either path and the logic may not be a one size fits all yet the intent is the source of evil or good. My mind keeps going ahead of God looking for the thing that makes the most sense. Honestly life makes sense while not making any rational thought at all.

Walking out of the office freedom is what I feel. Shackles falling off unchained. The option to make choices for myself for some reason had felt unobtainable. Listening to those older than me feeling as though their view was the only way on how to move ahead or experience life differently. It suddenly dawned on me that God’s logic is the only reason I have to listen too. His thoughts are higher than human thoughts meaning our logic is rooted in what we can see in front of us and past experience. Only God knows my future, He’s showing me that our human logic can also be rooted in fear. Fear of not being okay, fear of being too uncomfortable, fear of the unknown. Fear of not having complete control. The biggest one is fear that God won’t catch us when we trust fall into His arms.

My sponsor said I don’t need to be nervous about telling my family the transition I’m on. My pastor said it’s a part of the journey letting them know what’s going on, not for consent but simply for the sake of knowing. Not looking for their help in the matter, doing my research allowing God to speak to me through work. I may have quit my job yet the work has never stopped. Work; Willingly Operating through Reverence to my King. My pastor is concerned, but I’m not. No one knows me better than God and myself, we are the only ones who’ve seen the true darkness in my mind. We’re the only ones who know how desperately I need a new experience, a new revelation. I trust God because He knows. I have faith in God because He’s never left me without. I go because I know He has better for me than what I’ve been settling for. Less.