herlucidlife

I may be rambling or repeating myself yet there’s a space in my life that has taken hold of my mind I’m not sure what else there is to think about. Recovery has been a struggle to prioritize, the excuse of being busy is never an option. Going to daily meetings can be a struggle when out of town, service commitments to the NA group keeps me grounded. I’ve never felt more like myself in a relationship, even saying that scares me because I know there’s more depth to my being that he’s not witnessed yet. It’s so easy to be vulnerable behind a screen yet when in his presence my words get caught in my throat like a bottle neck. My tongue gets tied but I force myself to speak through a small voice anyway even if that means I have to close my eyes and envision he’s not there and it’s just me and my thoughts.

Speaking the truth is more difficult than waiting till marriage. Lips meeting like long lost lovers, tangled in a sensation of arousal it was better than imagined. Body to body, no air could get through, tasting the nature of his desire. It was a moment that I wanted to last for eternity. Dreamt and fantasized, it hadn’t compared to the real thing. A kiss that set my soul on fire like two flames joining together in the heat of tension…it was released. Having just shared the inner workings of my mind, I wasn’t in a good place. My mind wanted to steal joy because she doesn’t know what it feels like to have a peaceful relationship. Slowing down to process together, it’s what I needed. I’m experiencing something with someone I never want to let go of.

Doing my best to stay the course of transforming my life, God has granted me the opportunity to be a part. Everytime I think I have no more to give, God pushes me a little further. Under the watchful eye of close family and friends since mom has passed, I know they felt better having close contact with me. The issue is I never felt better, always felt a piece of me was missing like there was a life that needed to be lived yet for some reason I was still hanging around living my mothers life. Love doesn’t always breed belonging. Staying till the welcome has been worn out.Traveled to Oklahoma to be with my boyfriend for his birthday. I’ve never met a soul more genuine and pure as his. Sweet, my honey…he knew I needed closeness in my time of insecurity.

Sinking until I begin to float, comfort in feeling safe with him. A blessing I didn’t know was missing. One day I’ll have to say goodbye through death at some point yet for now the ride is more than I’d hoped for.