herlucidlife

Emotions have been at a high lately. Working in Oklahoma for three weeks, delivering food to the residents, the city began to feel like home. Vacating the premises of my old way of living doing my best to help the mind along. The biggest part of the battle is never the outward but the inward. Wanting a certain lifestyle for myself, unfortunately I’ve never been in a position to afford the quality of being I strive for. Though I’ve never gone without shelter, food, water and clothing…God has kept His promise in providing everything I need.  

Shutting things off, turning off services, emptying the old house. Saying goodbye to my neighbors just to make new neighbors. Riding through the streets of Rockwall for the last time in what’s going to be a while…I miss nothing about it. The streets felt foreign, my mind is quick to detach from a location when it’s time to move on. Doing my best to not detach from the people still in my community. I am not homesick or lonely, rather I feel found with community. Self esteem has been lacking, at best she is fragile. I have to protect her like I do my recovery and both have been struggling but still a float. 

I’ve done so much with my life yet it feels like I have nothing to show for it. Two degrees yet I’m happy as a pea being an uber eats delivery driver. Working six to seven days a week, pulling long hours to solidify my spot in this new jungle. The stress of it all, calculating imaginary figures, worrying about being able to fully provide for myself. Standing on my own is very important, something to prove to myself. God has gifted every blessing in my life, though a lot of what I gained came easy. This is the first time I understand what it means to work hard to provide a safe roof over my head, to make sure my life is in order. I have no clue how it feels to have my name on the lease. It’s a whole new world considering what I would like in an apartment, something that fits my humble budget. 

I’m seeing I do have what it takes. A new self is emerging, I trust this version of me more than the last. I’m seeing this move wasn’t for my boyfriend but it was for me to experience myself on a deeper level. To see God more clearly…more than God, His depth has gained a fuller bandwidth, my Abba.