herlucidlife

(deep sigh!) I toggle between my boyfriend being a tool used by God from him just being a guy. The one thing I don’t give to him are my emotions, when they hurt I keep them to myself because I don’t believe he holds the capacity to truly understand and empathize. He’ll say he understands yet deep down it feels dismissive like empty words. We only see each other once a week because during the week our schedules don’t match, hectic. I clear my schedule specifically for Sunday to be our day. The day of, late notice he canceled for whatever reason he isn’t available. I didn’t ask why because it wouldn’t have changed the reality. Immediately I felt like crying.

I’ve always been the one to make my relationship a top priority no matter who the guy was because love and building a life with someone is the second most important venture to me. The first being the work of God. I know that I can not expect my level of commitment from him without verbalizing what I’m looking for. He knows I’d like more while I know he doesn’t have the bandwidth to offer it. I do my best to not obsess yet it’s hard when he’s the main reason I moved. I try to say “the move was for me” yet that feels like a lie because it wasn’t. Thought I’ve wanted to move for years, knowing him gave me the courage to just do it.

I’m being forced to repurpose this venture to fit the growth of myself because to sit in bitterness over someone I can not control will literally send me into a relapse. I understand that life is busy, so many things are pulling at our attention all at once. The trouble is I don’t internalize it because things are pulling at me too yet I’ve always managed to make time regardless. Quiet most of the week, I tend to give the same energy I’m receiving…no more no less, so in turn I’ve been quiet as well. Saying much of nothing it’s boring at this point.

I don’t share more for it to simply go unresponded too or given a one liner, that would hurt my feelings. Protecting my emotions is saying little to nothing at all at the moment. What’s deeply on my heart doesn’t feel helpful and would add more stress so I keep my things on my plate. Something told me I wouldn’t see him yet it did not prepare me for the reality of my emotions. Driving to church, I asked myself what would you want to do if he weren’t in the picture?…Thankfully I did because I immediately had a game plan and fell into it.

It reminded me that I am always plan A and he is plan B. He fits into my life, I do not fit my life to him. Though, it feels like I’m missing out on his life, he’s also missing out on the greatness of mine. Grateful for my greatness I will enjoy it whether he is here or not. 

Never alone never again when I love my own company.