herlucidlife

I felt lonely, cast aside and unimportant. God feels every emotion I do. He’s never left my side. He’s never too busy for my tears and joy. Reading Ephesians 3:16, I finally broke down. Reminded of his glorious riches, I felt loved and seen. Something I longed for today. Even in Rockwall I felt lonely. Since leaving many people have said “you can always come back”…but to what? No matter where I’ve gone it feels as though there’s nothing there for me. Nothing in Texas, nothing in Oklahoma…I’m chasing something that isn’t tangible.

Not located in any state or city, nor person or companion. Today happened the way it needed to. God ordered the canceling of plans, not being able to see my boyfriend on our usual day…for whatever reason He wanted me to feel heavy. Perhaps to dig deeper in Him through myself and find those things I’ve needed all along. His power strengthens me through the Spirit. I spent the whole night writing, releasing. It’s going to take longer than I want to let go. Truthfully it took more than two hours but the whole day was spent going from upset to compassionate to lacking understanding and back again. 

I didn’t go to God like I needed to. Didn’t spend time in my word and remind myself of His sovereignty, yet that’s what I needed the most. It’s weird sharing the emotions I have about my relationship because those reading know more about my emotional state than he does. The reader knows more about the intensity of my mental instability than he does. A comment on a post I accidentally posted sent my mind into a spiral. A rather content happy day went from white to dark. My mind obsessed, anger and discontent filled my mind. 

I asked myself what spiritual principles can I use to navigate my feelings. Honesty, sharing how I feel with him. Humility, showing gratitude for him and what he’s done for me. Validating my emotions does not mean I diminish him. Open mindedness, actively listening and understanding his point of view objectively. Faith and trust, internalizing that God is forever with me. My purpose and validation relies on Him only. Love, speaking truth in gentleness with unconditional encouragement. 

Rather than being who I’ve always been, I’m being the woman I’d want to be in a relationship with. Doing the loving thing, for the right reason, speaking to build up rather than tear down. I do my best to give effort because that’s what I would want done for me. Receiving it in return is great yet in times when my mind fills with ugliness it’s doing what I can in love that eases the tension in between my ears.