herlucidlife

I used to drown my emotions in alcohol and weed. For the past 7 years I drowned any feelings whether good or indifferent in anything that would make me feel better or heightened what I already felt. Six months clean on Sunday passed. I do my best to eat healthy…unhealthy food has become the substance I drown my emotions in. Every day I wake up, loneliness and insecurity are immediately in my face. Today the emotions were overwhelming, my mind shut off going numb for a moment. Picking up an order downtown, I saw a young man light a joint. Weed is on every corner in this new state, dispensaries are more popular than liquor. Immediately I thought, “I wish I could use it responsibly.”

The thought left my mind as I began accepting my personal reality. The reality is that I’m an addict that will never be able to use any substance ever again, not even in small doses. Going to meetings, speaking with my sponsor daily, working the steps. I’m on step two, believing that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. My life has been filled with insanity for so long that sanity is a foreign concept. The times when I thought I was sane, I was actually acting insanely. God has been restoring my sanity through prayer and gratitude. Discernment has been a huge tool for me. Discernment isn’t just making the right choice but it’s behaving in humility giving my will to God. It’s having faith and trust in His plan. It’s being open minded to His thoughts and being willing to carry them out. 

I’ve seen so much growth in the way I interact with people. Though my thoughts are heavy, I no longer speak to persuade but I speak to give my experience only. Only God can validate me. God grants me the knowledge and power to validate myself, it is no one else’s responsibility to care for my emotional health. I was able to convey my hurt feelings without mentioning the responsibilities my boyfriend holds in his life. I accurately spoke my mind without needing to bash the hard work in his life. God is growing me into the person I want to be. So much work has been done on the inside, the hardest lessons to learn are those that are intangible facilitated by The Invisible Teacher. 

There’s some lessons that can’t be learned with folks around. Some things have to be taught in solitude. I’m grateful for the time I have with Jesus every single day. He is the reason I make it through the day with this emotional brain. He is the reason doors have opened for me. He is the conductor of every achievement, blessing the hard work I’ve done in good faith. I’m reminded of the excruciating work He did on the cross for me and every single person on earth. Jesus Christ died on the cross, the highest form of love is dying. His commitment was confirmed on the cross. Since He’s done that there’s nothing He won’t do for every single one of His children. The least I can do is die to my flesh everyday.