herlucidlife

There’s a venture that I no longer want to put effort into. Not at liberty to share the details, it will be known when the act is fully complete…this is one thing I do not want to share beforehand. There’s a lack of discipline and commitment to health all around. The first days of deciding to eat better are reminiscent of not using drugs. I feel no physical withdrawals but emotional, uneasiness always hits at night after a long work day. Immediately I close my car windows when folks are smoking outside, I want no parts of it. The desperation felt when yearning for a new life through recovery is the same emotion I tap into when wanting to obtain unhealthy food.

I heard today that, “the root of most sin is a lack of honor toward God.” Immediately conviction ran through my heart. I’ve always struggled with food and body image. Constantly looking at the mirror thinking, “am I pretty enough?” “Does my butt stick out far enough?” “Is my waist small enough or did it inflate?” Sadly honoring and worshiping God are not my top priority when doing well by my body…it’s being skinny, it’s to like what I see in the mirror. I don’t exercise to have mental fortitude and to move my body, it’s to hopefully have a flatter stomach in the morning.

My main goal when fasting isn’t to get closer to God, it’s to rapidly lose weight even though I know it’s unhealthy and never stays off but comes back quicker. Ninety-eight percent are wanting to look a certain way and any other reason is at two percent. While delivering food the young lady said “you are so pretty.” It made my night!! Editing a youtube video, I couldn’t help but look at my chin and how it look doubled when I put my head down. I know it’s normal, I don’t like my face at certain angles. Anything that looks fat or looks unattractive adds another layer of not liking my body.

I often wish I looked like someone else but that’s not reality. Doing my best to accept whatever I look like at the moment. Hugging my boyfriend at our last dinner session, all I could think about was how fat I felt. Having just eaten, bloated, there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t even eat all my food. Exercising, doing my best to limit over eating and anything unhealthy. Any other change will have to be a mindset shift.