herlucidlife

Thank you. First day of training to be a waitress under my belt. Woke up with an unexpected charge on my bank account. A costly mistake on the company’s part. I have to wait a month to get my money back because that’s their policy. I was seriously pissed off, really wanted to curse yet that’s not how you get what you want. Thankfully, God filled the hole and nothing was missed. Peeling myself out of the bed, hitting the floor, my mind wouldn’t focus on the scripture in front of me. Explaining the end times depicted in Isaiah. God’s word often brings me back to the full importance of what life is really about. Going to my second job looking for a third, life isn’t about making money nor is it about the love of money.

The difference is the heart posture while making money. Praising God for every scent, doing my best to be a good steward. I left my part time job in full time ministry to pursue the ministry God placed in my heart, yet it feels like all I do is work, sleep, NA meetings and God. Some days I’ll hit a meeting in the midst of getting ready for work or napping yet reading scripture may be questionable that day. Making a habit out of working out to build my self-esteem, it’s working. I miss sitting at the feet of God, feeling Him most tangibly in scripture. He’s always with me yet nothing replaces His holy words. I work out of fear of going back. I put my feet to the pavement to solidify my spot in the imaginary world in my head. 

I work hard because there’s a life past the one currently being lived. My dreams and aspirations of financial freedom, sitting in a little cabin nestled in the mountains of Colorado. Mesmerized by the snow covered peaks, in the dead of winter writing another book tucked away by the fireplace as the wood crackles. Jotting words while my lil honey sleeps peacefully next to his daddy on the sofa after a long day of family fun time. Doing my best to set a foundation in all areas of life. My six month clean and serene key tag came in the mail, instant gratification being clean has afforded me the courage to live. Not having it all together but thank God it is held closer than it was before. Just like they say you can’t believe everything you read, well can’t believe everything you think either. This past week an overwhelming amount of lies were swirling in my head. 

My boyfriend reminded me that laughing in the devil’s face confuses him because he wants me to question everything. Sharing pizza and our thoughts, he makes me feel seen in a way that I’d not felt in a long time. He doesn’t say “you’re beautiful babe” yet when he places his hand on my head caressing me gently, squeezing me tightly I feel treasured and heard. I yearn for confirmation in our relationship because fear wants me to question each blessing. God doesn’t give fraudulent things. I feel God saying, I will grant exactly what you both are looking for when I say it’s time and not a moment too soon or late.