herlucidlife

Faith is being tested. I don’t know if the way I’m going about life is what God wants me to do. Listening to other believers belt out how God changed their life, not chasing after money. It feels like I’m chasing after money, though taking care of my responsibilities takes money. Yet, when did it become more important than reading my bible? From sleep to slumber, any additional time is spent nodding off on the floor of my apartment or dragging myself into the shower to crash into the sheets. Writing my heartfelt thoughts while waiting for orders to be finalized. Opening up the bible app, reminding myself of the promises of God. I’ve missed His tangible voice, my mind swirls constantly with worry.

I just want to be okay. Listening to christian music, helping myself refocus. Talking to God as I sing the words. I do my best every single day, drained and exhausted. Sometimes I wonder, did God ask for all of this? Or did I take it upon myself hoping He’d bless it? I ask myself that constantly. I don’t believe I’ve ever worked this hard in my life. Not just at the workplace but emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Yet even in the ups and downs of this emotional rollercoaster, praying that God show me a method to the madness…I would not change anything. I’m so grateful to be exactly where I am. 

Thankful to even have the worries that I do because it could all be so different. Blessed to be able bodied enough to work long hours. Humbled that God protects and guides me daily. Loved because He cares about the details of my life, sees everything and allows everything to work for my good. What a blessing to be adored by the Most High in this way. His saving grace did not stop on the cross yet continues in full power every nanosecond of His children’s existence.  I don’t have to worry about my belongings being stolen or protecting the little I have from the element because it sits behind a locked door with an alarm system. I don’t have to worry about what I will eat and drink that day because the fridge holds good things. 

I don’t think about whether I will brush my teeth and take a shower because the water is hot and clean. God has never allowed a blessing to slip through my hands, He has always granted me help to sustain. I’m not used to paying rent and the first of the month literally scares me. Yet the word said I should not fear for the Lord who holds my right hand helps me. I will do my best to remember Who God is and the totality of His sovereignty in the midst of my worries. In a half breath each can be solved…I need to relax, be obedient and let Him be God.