herlucidlife

I show my ugly a lot on this screen. It’s beginning to feel like the portrait is more hideous than beautiful. Laughing at movies going through online job training at home, I was waiting for him to knock on the door but the sound never filled my ears. His family called before he made it, our plans were dropped to fulfill what they needed. Having already seen him Saturday, you’d think I’d be okay…for some reason it felt like centuries had passed by since our last sighting, just lasnight. I’m not well.

Doing his best to juggle the people that pull at him. The truth is they need him more than I do. I’m taken care of by God, needing nothing. I simply want him while they need and want him. The emotions came swirling into my head, nothing productive. I hate this feeling. When I began my journey of recovery from drugs there was an overwhelming sense of desperation to change. To never use drugs again. Working the twelve steps indepthly allows me to reach the root of my defects seeing that they are not bottomless. 

Immediately I felt pushed to the side because he answered their call as if he didn’t already have plans. In my mind, importance has nothing to do with it when it’s first come first serve…that thinking is the defect of selfishness. Compassion instead would say, “it’s okay to take care of your family because their needs are always going to be higher than mine, matter of fact how can I help you serve them better?” I prayed to God asking Him to help me find the bottom of these emotions and not stay surface level. Desperate to be released from these defects, progression is painful. Seeing myself for who I am, specifically the things I do not like, are gut wrenching. 

I could tangibly feel the disgusted sensation in my gut  toward my feelings. He is such a blessing to them. In some way my torn emotions are partly swirling with the mixed feelings I have toward my family. Since moving I’ve been struggling with processing the emotional rollercoaster of leaving home. Thing is I don’t know how to process it, so I do my best to get through the day giving all I got. I love my boyfriend, yet sometimes I don’t know who to be around him. Learning who I am, sometimes I don’t know which mask to pick out because none of them fit. I’m scared this unknown person I’m becoming will still be too flawed, too ungodly for him. 

I know he’s not like that. Visions of who I want to be fill my head everyday, scenarios of how I would behave play out constantly. The reality is I’m too scared to be that woman. Too fearful to take off my emotional clothes, letting everything sit where it needs to. Deep down I don’t know if I’m scared of him to see me or if I’m scared to see myself. Just another defect I’d like removed by the grace and power of God’s hand.