herlucidlife

I made this man a priority but I was never a priority for him. I loved hard even through fear while he loved easy and conveniently. I shared my heart, even the parts that would naturally stay hidden while he shared partial remnants. Hearing “I understand” with no actual proof of his experience. Moving to a new city to be closer to him, two months in he won’t reply to my texts, he won’t answer nor return my calls. Ghosted.

No explanation. We were good or so I thought. A lot is hidden when no one speaks up. Having to force a response, I called his mother. Eventually his reason was for “spiritual growth.” Such a liar. At first I bought the excuse yet nothing in my soul was sitting right. I had been played. He said the right thing to make sure I’d stay on his hook for whenever he’s ready to come back. It’s all so clear now, he was no different than any other guy I’ve dated. Different clothes, same trash. 

As an addict I never know if it’s a red flag I’m seeing or if it’s a character defect of mine being activated. I brushed my gut feeling off as my defects when really I was ignoring red flags. Though subtle, red is red. Two friends and my sponsor were real with me, it helped jump start my healing process. He lacked courage with his words, yet his actions showed it all. I deleted his number and anything that brought a reminder. The questions I have don’t take away the fact…I’ve been discarded.

In anger I’ve called him every name but a child of God in my head. I had to pray over my anger and his brokenness that he refuses to see. I knew I wasn’t ready to be with anyone yet that didn’t stop me from doing my best anyway. Even at my worst I’d never treat him that way and I didn’t. I gave love unwarranted. I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of what God has accomplished through me. I’m grateful to be in a new city living life differently than I’d ever imagined. 

No matter what, I’m grateful.