herlucidlife

More than dealing with the emotions of an abrupt absence. I simply miss him. His energy, his spirit felt sincere. Being with him felt holy, dancing on the playground wrapped inside God’s hand. I miss everything. Deep down I hope we come back together and that it’s not over. Truth is I don’t know what to think anymore. God’s plan moves, slips and dives at His request. Doing my best to ride the wave, I think I’ve kept pretty good balance. (deep sigh) I get no satisfaction at picking him apart in my mind. No pleasure in making him seem worse because deep down I just don’t believe it’s true. Denial perhaps? 

Emotionally spent, I struggle to give myself what I need. Thank God! He gives me strength and power to do so. Eventually ain’t today and he’s still my brain’s favorite chew toy. Gnawing, sucking all the juices out that I can. The cudd is becoming dry. Sadly I’m not sure how much longer I can withstand. Nothing new has been brought to light. Staying my distance, my self-will says to force the issue. My God’s will says to stop and trust what is happening is for the good. Love doesn’t need to be coerced. The emotion flows free without us even needing to think about it so the action should be no different. 

I wouldn’t have left me. I would’ve held me closer than my own skin. The tape of us repeating in my head like repeat. Nothing is adding up or maybe it is and I’m doing my best to be horrible at calculations. I say I’m doing my best getting off the merry-go-round…I’m not deep down. Doing everything healthy to keep myself on track. Everything else is up to God and right now it feels like the movement is molasses speed. I have to trust that God removed him for something greater. Something deserving. Something and someone for me, that won’t walk away. 

This level of vulnerability is nerve wracking. Please behave as though nothing was said or witnessed. I like to lick my wounds in private, unlike how the dogs licked the beggars’ wounds in the courtyard facing the palace. For everyone to see, he was purposely ignored by those that could help. Just as Z purposely ignores me doing nothing to give aid. Please do the same for it feels no one can soothe this kind of hurt. Blinders.