herlucidlife

The best art is formed when my heart is broken, hurt, tattered or just simply not well. I feel like Bruno Mars’, Grenand. Crooning the deepest sentiments of his love for her. He’d do anything for her even die yet she would never do the same. A similar theme is occurring. Honestly I am just explaining to myself what the heck is going on because I’m as clueless as Cher. Thankfully God is more powerful than any battle I face, whether inward or outward. Too focused on what I couldn’t control. I sucked the joy out of my day. I sat in the turmoil of my heart rather than reaching for gratitude. Some days are just harder than others. 

The last time we spoke I ended up apologizing for even bothering him. I’m so nervous to rustle any feathers or turn the tables I do and say things to be agreeable. It’s all a lie because it’s not how I truly feel. I allowed insecurity to constantly get in the way, something I never wanted to do. Though I love him dearly, I’d love to start over with him. There is a huge part of me that no longer wants to be with him romantically. I don’t have a choice, the decision has been made for me. So let’s pretend I did somewhere down the line have a choice. I don’t want to begin another relationship or continue this one with all the brokenness inside. So much needs to be fixed and mended. 

I sound delusional, there’s no one here but me. Unfortunately, I constantly go over what I would say to him. Deep down I know the words won’t see the light of day. I feel a little pathetic but really I am just extremely human. A human woman with a divine spirit and bruised heart. I hate saying it’s broken because I’ve felt worse but dammit if this don’t hurt like hell.