herlucidlife

Sitting in church hearing what I needed to hear. It’s not just Z that I’m disappointed in but I am also upset that God would put this in His plan. My mind is consumed with it even when I’m focused on other things. Repurposing my anger into compassion slowly. Looking at him as an enemy will make moving on more difficult. Broken people disappear like a ghost. Something is hurting, not quite right. Jesus cries when I do. He feels my hurt heart. I cry to God about it, nothing helps my pain but gratitude. God is helping me get through the minutes without completely losing my mind. Breaking him down to size only makes me feel worse. 

Just because he stopped caring about me doesn’t mean I stopped caring about him. Running head start, I didn’t know the race had begun toward forgetting about each other. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, not because I can readily see it but because life has shown that nothing lasts forever. Reading Colossians chapter four, verses one through six. His words shocked me back into reality. I have not been praying for God to open doors for His message to walk through. I’m not watchful of His movement so I can act in obedience because I’ve been too focused on an earthly relationship. Haven’t been devoting myself to prayer but to the thought of a human being I absolutely can not control…but I want to. 

I’ve been slacking on my godly mission to share His gospel message. I haven’t been heightened to the ways my mind is moving that could glorify God. In fact, down right bruised and stewing in self pity. Reading the word has been put on the back burner. What’s been helping is reading on my lunch break, chewing the words apart for divine understanding. Speaking to my soul, I’m reminded of His promises, my responsibility and our love. Jesus said to not take heart in this world where trouble resides. He has overcome the world. Though I’m not brimming with a grin everyday, I notice that when I focus on God it’s easier to create that half moon. 

I do my best to no longer play victim or villain. We all can be both at any given time and day and to any perspective person. People, flesh and blood is filled with a spirit…an invisible being we know very little about. When I sit with God He exposes the mystery of who He is but also of who I am and we are. The days have been difficult yet sometimes I wonder, did I choose for them to be hard? Was my perspective picking an item and festering on it when it didn’t have too? I believe it was, I’m stubborn even to myself. Just hard headed but my behind is soft from years of self-will whoopin my tail. Help today!