herlucidlife

Bubbly laughing at myself. I make me smile and chuckle. Having a good time with myself, giggling at my own jokes, the things I say are hilarious. Instead of crying over missing him, I laughed instead. Instead of weeping to God, I prayed over others. My mind found some peace in the storm. God may not take away the emotions but it’s only because of Him that I make it through the moments. Since the age nineteen I’d never gotten through any emotion completely clean. Something was always used to make me feel better or enhance a happy sensation. Got drunk my first time at nineteen, for ten years I never went more than a week without drinking, smoking or both. 

Only by God’s power am I not using drugs to alter how I feel. Emotions are a lot more intense than what I last remember. Severely messy, all over the place. There’s a chaotic beauty that I’ve never really taken the time to appreciate. How God can stabilize such an unstable creature, He is truly in control of all things. His love is overflowing, pouring into me to flow to others. My biggest concern is that I’ve not allowed His love to nurture me. Instead I release it too soon. When I show love I live through God. The opposite is also true that if I am not acting in love then I’m not living through God. 

Living through the rough patches of life. It finally hit me that God is taking me through a sanctification process.  Clearing people out, removing the rubbish from my inner self. Healing hurts. When I think about a scrap and how it itches and feels uncomfortable as the scab begins to form. The skin around it gets tight but in order to properly heal it can’t be tampered with. Any picking, any unnecessary bothering can start the process all over again. The same is true for hearts, minds and dreams. I’ve been tampering with my healing, doing my best to rush it along. More pain, more scar tissue, more things that need to be addressed. 

Thankfully God knew everything would happen the way it did. Grateful my behavior whether favorable or not has been known to Him before I was known to me. Just as Jesus’ dying on the cross was predestined before man was created, so was my life crafted. At the age of thirty, my life has completely started over. I feel new, fresh and wildly excited. Almost feels like I’m fifteen again.