herlucidlife

I went to a church event last night. Met young adults from the surrounding cities. Connected with a young lady and it seemed to click. Lord willing we will be able to get lunch soon. Actively moving life forward felt good. Doing something to keep walking and not be stagnant in self pity. I like to tell on myself and share when I’ve fallen and messed up. Hebrews four verse fourteen convicted me after I purchased a rather sexual item from my local store. Having salacious thoughts for days even weeks now, I fell to my temptation. The Sunday school teachers’ voices rang in my head saying, “what’s the point of being convicted if there’s no corrective behavior? We get so used to the convictive feeling that we stop there and never progress to bettering.”

 I felt that moment this evening. Walking away from the store feeling oddly excited about my purchase. Shame and perverse happiness can live together. Telling myself you don’t have to do it while going through with the action…addict. Immediately hitting my knees afterward, engrossed with the same icky feeling. My spirit wasn’t the only thing affected but my body felt out of sorts. The moment I woke up the next morning, my purchase went in the garbage. My mind will say, “you can keep it and just don’t use it.” That’s like keeping weed in the house and saying don’t smoke it. I could never operate that way in the past and the present says the same. 

Sharing my struggles with a trusted friend. She shared the same kindness and grace that God shows me. It reminded me that I absolutely can overcome this…if I allow it. I always hear the enemy is attacking us or the devil is working and don’t get me wrong I do believe he is very active. I also believe we give him way too much credit and power. Sometimes it’s just my flesh and nothing else. I made me act ungodly and in turn I needed to surrender myself to God. Taking responsibility for my actions and not throwing them on the mercy of the devil, because what do I need to change if it’s always the “devil made me do it?” Nothing! Honestly that’s a cop out to keep doing the same old sin. Yet God changes me when I know Him, meaning I have responsibility in the game. 

Crazy how nowadays sin puts a fire under me to do better. No desire to repeat the same toxic action today. I do my best to sin less until I don’t.Thank God just for today I’m hoping I did alright. I’m too sensitive, too fractured, too mangled, too underneath it all to listen to anything but godly music. Some musical artists bring up hurt feelings like a zombie from the dead. While others soothe my soul to rest in Jesus Name. I’m beginning to ramble…goodnight.