herlucidlife

I don’t have much to say except for what’s on my heart. I see so much eye candy at work. Young men I work with, so nice and funny. My cycle is beginning. I don’t know how to not have my eye on something. Making myself want someone for the sake of just because. Listening to Christina music, doing my best to forget and focus on the excitement of entering a new decade. I switched stations. Heavy emotions falling in my lap like a ton of bricks. They’d always been there, I cover them up with mixed emotions and feelings. Every song I listen to somehow seems to be my life at this moment. The healing of God, granting grace to myself, feeling a change. While also losing a love for something or someone else. Not being ready to move steadily yet somehow finding a way to smile anyway. 

Accepting that love is still on the table for me. Told myself whenever I felt the urge to cry that it was okay to let the tears fall. I’ve learned that waiting for a more opportune time to feel isn’t the best way for me to heal. He told me he didn’t want me with his actions and honestly that hurts more than being verbally told no. I’ve been celebrating my birthday every day since November fifth. Every single one of those days I could not believe he was no longer a part of my reality. Worse than the twilight zone it feels like the end of times…though I know it’s not. Laying on the table, feeling the tattoo needle vibrate in and out of my skin. Something about the pain is both peaceful and sharp. Not wanting it to end, this is the eighth birthday without mom.

Always imagined what thirty would look and feel like without her. Whirlwind of a life, I explain it every time I write and I still can’t put into words what’s really going on. I know she’s severely missed. She’s proud of me and I’m proud of me. This post is scattered all over the place…the true image of my mind’s state of being.