herlucidlife

The day before my birthday and my heart is heavy. Birthdays have always been weird since mom yet this one is different. Processing an abrupt break up, not being super close to family, entering a new decade. Life is everything I wanted while being nothing I wanted at the same time. Yet I’m excited to do the little activities I planned for tonight and tomorrow. Thankfully that feeling of not doing enough is not something I have on the brim of this milestone. In fact, I’ve lived a full life and then some. This new age signifies starting over, fresh beginnings. Doing my best to think differently, open myself to new perspectives and changed behaviors. 

My goal is to love with action and truth, putting my soul at ease before the feet of Jesus. I’ve always yearned for love to be given with both words and actions. God says words are not enough. Often asking myself, how are my actions loving? What might it look like to revamp any action that may have gone to the wayside in order to show godly love? I’m really doing my best to not talk about my heartbreak too much. Uber eating to make a little extra money for my birthday celebration. I’m walking with a limp like walking around with crutches from a broken leg. So my heart is broken in a spiritual and emotional cast. Everything I used to do can’t be done, some things have to wait until all healing has taken place. 

I’ve been eating a lot. Shoveling it in, eating my emotions. Been using my birthday as an excuse when really I’m just sad as hail. I don’t call myself fat or think I’m fat. I just know I need to do better. Being honest with myself without degrading is a new turning point. Something I’m  not used to but loving. Giving grace to myself right now feels like allowing myself to act out just a little. It’s about time to reign myself in and start the real work. Honestly, I don’t like reaching out for help so I don’t sin. I like being thirty. Always knew it would fit my personality, it feels homey. No longer wanting to act childishly. Too old for the run around I give myself. I’m ready to be disciplined. 

Listening to the preacher explain how Paul describes prayer in Ephesians. A spirit of wisdom, revelation in order to know God better, spiritual eye to see what God sees that we understand the hope of His calling. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve prayed for these specific things for anyone or myself. Healing, a closer relationship with God sure but not these specific things. Makes me think what my priorities are when coming to Christ. Is it to be soothed? Is it to receive what I think is right? Everything Paul listed tells God I want to know Him above all things, my life is devoted to being used by Him, and that He is the truest highest authority. 

Giving thanks isn’t enough, yet it is a start. It’s time to elevate my prayer life…the goal to just know Christ and be used effectively by Him.