herlucidlife

I thought I had moved past the heavy emotions. I thought I had finally gotten my footing back. Have you ever been treated odd yet good by someone? Doing my best to move forward. I go to bible study at church. I attend NA meetings almost daily. I work the twelve steps in order to obtain spiritual principles. I exercise regularly and have started cooking at home more and spending less. I’ve begun budgeting and sticking to the budget in order to obtain financial freedom. I do my best to reach out to people in my circle. I give my all at work. I maintain my passion for writing and have finished enrolling in school. I read my bible daily and talk to God sharing every emotion. Yet in the midst of all that my heart still feels heavy. My smile can feel fake sometimes.

I do my best to not focus on Z. Everyone says “focus on yourself.” But what they don’t say is that focusing on yourself doesn’t take away the pain, it just simply gives a healthy distraction until God decides to move time forward. I had stopped going around in my head. I had stopped muddling over the details and feeling hopeless, giving no answer to any of my questions. I look to God and talk to Him. I feel Him being a listening ear yet He’s not saying much on the hole in my chest. No word from Z on my birthday. I knew he would be silent, it didn’t put a damper on my special day because I made sure to make it special. I was okay and moving forward, I was okay. 

Two weeks after the day, one day after Thanksgiving. The coldest day of Fall thus far, a gift was put on my windshield without my notice. Driving all the way to church the next morning, walking into the building I noticed a yellow envelope on my windshield. Stuck from the ice, I retrieved it after service. Sitting in the car wondering who it was from. No name, just a birthday card stating, “I hope your birthday was very special,” with a two-hundred dollar visa gift card. Thanking God for the money, it went toward some things I needed to handle. Oddly, I didn’t feel missed but more so like he was playing a weird game of “don’t forget me while I live life without you.” Some days I don’t know how to feel. One day I’ll feel empowered and the next it seems I can barely get through. God’s grace pulls me through every time. 

I do my best to pray for him but my mind goes blank because all that comes to mind is “I miss you and I love you.” Another year is around the corner. One month away from twenty twenty-four. I AM SO GRATEFUL to not be in the same space I was in at the beginning of the year. So much changed in a year while some things stayed the same. Crazy part is if he called right now and needed the shirt off my back, I’d give him that and the shoes off my feet. I’ll always want to go the extra mile for him. Some may not agree with that but thank God you don’t live my life and I don’t live yours. I let go then I take back, then I let go again and the cycle continues. Either way the love is deep and I’m not sure it’ll ever go away.