herlucidlife

Been going to PCBC church for a little over two months and I’m fitting in pretty nicely. Being added to the young adult group chat. I went to my first Thursday night bible study. It was awesome. Met my friend from the last event there, it was both our first times going to bible study. We click and laugh a lot, we even drive the same car. Names and faces are beginning to stick. The people are friendly, they’ve helped me furnish my apartment. Submitting my first tithe this past Sunday. In my opinion it’s the last step before joining. Beginning to feel like home.

I’ve finally encountered a life I don’t want to leave or escape from. I felt anxious and emotionally overwhelmed. One of my coping mechanisms is not healthy while all the others have been tightened up and benefit me greatly. Every now and then I watch naked bodies on a screen to feel my body give a knee jerk reaction. To have a sensation that takes me out of my thoughts yet makes me feel worse about my addiction. This habit has been something I’ve struggled with as a little girl. Salacious thoughts and fantasies in my mind lulled me to sleep every night. 

I’ve been wanting to escape my emotions, not my life. My life is beautiful and beyond my wildest dreams. Though God revealed this current period of my life in dreams and I was confused. Everyday, I whisper to myself “déja vu!” The only thing I never imagined was my heart being altered. At first it was broken and now it just feels wonky. I was doing great for weeks and then my mind fell, my heart hit the ground. I’ve been moving slowly, doing my best to focus my energy on what I need. I talk to God about it. He knows how much I love Z. Praying for His well being. The only love I can give at the moment is prayers. I stay on my side of the street because God hasn’t said to cross over. 

I write about this because it’s my main source of letting go, releasing tension. He takes up a lot of mental space, sometimes that feels pathetic. While other times it feels good to know that my emotions, actions and words were all genuine and still are. Moving at my own pace, letting the hills and valleys roll over me. This is a portion of my life that won’t last forever. I believe things are being worked out, there’s protection and I’m keeping the faith that whatever is happening is for my good. God said everything works for the good of those who love Him. I’m His child so things are working out. I’m trusting Him because He sees my heart, my pain, He understands what I need better than I do. So I keep walking, keep reminding myself of His promises and mission. 

More will be revealed.