herlucidlife

I spent the holidays in relaxation bliss. Watching Christmas movies. Tucked away from the world in my own little bubble. Popping out for the necessity of being around people. In-person NA meetings have been a nice addition to my schedule. Finished online orientation for school, I’m officially ready for the semester. Life has been quiet, granted I have no clue what “loud” living would look like. Feels like I’m rambling. Spending Christmas night with my friend from work. She cooked, we talked and laughed. I’m never worried about being alone because not only is God’s comfort more than enough. He always sends the right people. 

He knew what He was doing, making me an only child because alone time is my favorite place to be. I know how to enjoy my company both with and without people. I’m never alone, rarely ever lonely. What’s funny is that since moving I spend just as much time by myself as I did in the city I grew up in. Coming out of active addiction was like coming out of a spiritually dark cave. I’d learned that isolation can either be productive or killer. I think most are scared of isolation because they only see the danger but not the benefits. I’ve found God, recovery, peace and creativity in the quiet of my home. A sense of belonging because I know that I always have a place to come back to. 

I’ve never felt more whole, confident and loved in the fullness of my being. My mind is bright with gratitude. The turning of the key in my apartment deadbolt, thankful. My car cranking up in the cold, quietly humming down the street, grateful. Excitement and readiness going into work each day, beaming. Meeting new people at work, in NA meetings, new beginnings. Nothing about life feels the same while some things never change. Three things that will always be essential are God, recovery and people. Thing about community is you don’t need to force it when walking in God’s purpose they will naturally find you. 

I’m young. I don’t know everything. I’ll never know everything. Yet what I’ve learned is valuable, sincere, life changing and it’s kept me grounded within God and myself. I’m not flighty nor naive. Unlearning to relearn new behaviors. The beauty is that not everything needs to be thrown out but refined. Brave, fearless, committed to experiencing life in the most authentic way. I’m no longer concerned with opinions and advice, we all move differently. Most do not want advice and opinions unless directly asked including myself. Recovery has taught me that experience, strength and hope is the most potent kind of dialogue. Not sharing someone else’s experience but solely your own experience is the most powerful tool every human has.

No clue where these words were going but hey! The ride is always soul freeing.