herlucidlife

Out of all the beautiful blessings in my life. Every wonderful opportunity and absolutely awesome experience. Love is the biggest thing I yearn for. I don’t yearn for friends and family, I don’t look for anyone but that one. Please don’t come in here talking about “focus on yourself…” or “you’re beautiful you’ll find someone in God’s timing…” Just sit, listen and nod while I rant like a loon. 

I love the encouragement. Humbly I’ll say I need it even when I absolutely do not want it and do not find it super helpful in a practical way. Doing step three in my recovery I’ve noticed that my love life is the one area I truly struggle to trust God with. I know so many people that are looking for love that are older than me and I think, “ is that God’s will for me?” Though people say nice things the truth is they have no clue what God has instore for me. No one knows what God has for them, we just pray and hope that it’s good. Even the pain is Him giving us goodness. Also, God not granting what we want or what we think we need is His goodness. 

Yet isn’t His goodness of eternal life with Him true greatness? He never promised falling in love on this earth. He did promise eternal life for those that believe in Jesus and spend their lives following Him. He promised that we would fall in love with Him while chasing Him daily. With that being said, I know God cares about the deepest desires of my heart. He knows what I yearn for and why. He understands me the best, seeing the details of my soul I’ll never see. Doing my best to let go. It’s not even about wanting who I had, it’s simply just wanting someone that wants me and we don’t want to leave the other. I’ve never felt the security of knowing I don’t want to leave my person and they don’t want to leave me. I have no clue the kind of security true commitment brings, leaving isn’t an option. What does that feel like? 

My earthly body has no concept of that emotion and behavior. Thankfully my spirit knows the safety of God never leaving. I know the value of me never wanting to leave God. There’s something about Him that is so special, valuable and beyond every price of this world. Jesus is the only price high enough and I’m thankful…forever grateful. 

I’m not sure what the point of this post is. Release, letting go, showing another layer of me. I’ve been irritated lately at absolutely nothing. My mind struggles with the peace inside and outside of myself. I pick fights in my head with those that are closest to me. Imaginary dialogue. Nitpicking at what they say, I’d never tell them because the issue is inward not outward. I ask God to take away my anger, lead me to behave in gratitude and be of service to those around me. 

Thank you for your active listening skills.