herlucidlife

Lately I’ve been too focused on the seen. Addiction is more than using drugs. It’s the obsession and compulsion that goes around in the mind mingling with the character defects of always reaching for temporary things to fill voids. Obsession because my mind constantly reaches toward the thought. Compulsion because I can’t stop without help. Relationship, seeking, finding and not being able to mentally be free. My addiction is living there today. Yet she’s such a cunning enemy that she masks herself in love and genuine care. I’ve manipulated myself, I’m not sure what’s really attraction or what’s the disease. 

Lately the obsession and compulsion have gotten worse. It affects my emotions and makes it difficult to focus on God. I’m constantly doing my best to not use this drug. I’m not using but I’m using. Two months from being a year clean and I have no desire to use drugs but I do have a desire to use a man for attention. It’s more than just stopping and focusing on God. I wrote about it in my third step. Doing my best to surrender, it’s a mental battle field. God has won the war, He’s showing me the proper tools to use. My crush wasn’t at work one day and I could feel my sadness flood in to the point where I wanted to cry sinking to the floor.

I told him I thought he was cute and his face lit up. I realized not surrendering, wanting to always have control is what keeps my life unmanageable. It’s not the drugs or any other bi-product of my disease…it’s simply the character defects that reach an extreme. Completing my third step, laying the foundation of surrender is paramount for any kind of in depth change. Knowing my Lord and Savior is caring and WANTS to give His attention to my life is more than important for the next step to unfold. Having the courage to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself can be daunting. Writing this blog has been preparing me for this exact work. The battle doesn’t feel impossible but freeing. 

I want to look at my patterns, cycles, intentions and motives. Who am I really? The fourth step will unfold that. With God as my guide and love, my sponsor as support I will gain clarity on who naje is.