herlucidlife

Four weeks ago my mind said…I’m so sick of the obsession and compulsion that goes on in my head. My next daily prayer is to see reality and step out of the fantasy. Fantasy is haunting me. Not the man, not who he is but the make believe story I paint is what fuels my conspiracy theory. I met C at work. Nothing like I’m usually attracted to. I reciprocated the energy he was giving. I wanted to know more about this person but didn’t trust anyone at work to ask. Single with two children, settling for validation and attention. I couldn’t see a future past simple flirting, yet my mind kept playing sensual scenes. God heard my question. Months before my friend said he might be married, it never dawned on me that he could be lying. A buzzing break room filled with tired team members. Sitting behind C at another table, posted up next to the guard rail. Reading my bible and gazing out the window. 

Another co-worker, walking by admiring the snacks he had, jokingly inquired… “Ooooooo those look good, did your wife make those for you? You’re so spoiled.” Stunned. I never saw a wedding ring yet once again God had redirected my mind and answered my question. I couldn’t do anything but laugh. His shoulders hunched in utter embarrassment and shame. Not looking my way, he’d been caught in the lie. My emotions had connected deeply to the fantasy and now my eyes have a hard time leaving the person. I feel like the crazy one now. I feel like I’m out of line. I don’t want to be looking or paying attention to the attention giver. 

Why am I so bothered by the lack of “fun?” Receiving attention was flattering but at what cost? The high price of my peace of mind and energy. The cost of my attention that could’ve been given to God. Somedays I feel mentally ill. I know the everyday person is not troubled like this. God I need your help. On those days when I pray for my thoughts to be surrendered it feels like they are even more unhinged and outrageous. Like they know God will be in control and they run like raging two year olds hyped up on eight hours of sugar. 

Doing everything I can to get through this temptation. Out of line, nothing is okay about this feeling. All I can do is keep praying, keep doing the next right thing and I know this obsession will be lifted.