herlucidlife

Chewing on the thoughts in my mind. They’ve turned into a cudd like material, no longer able to tell what is a healthy or unhealthy thought. Too many voices in my head, some say the guy should come to you. Others say go for it. Some feel I’m not ready. I think I’ll never be ready until I go for it. A piercing kind of attraction that holds my attention hours after I’ve left work. His eyes search my face as I speak. The southern twang in his voice is  a silky syrup, dripping over the inner workings of my ears. Stuck in my brain, I’d recognize his voice anywhere. His pitch is excited when he sees me, it’s warming. 

Praying, seeking, listening for an answer. I went for it. I get so in my head, future tripping down the road. Sometimes I question if my mind is perceiving reality the correct way. I’m impatient and go after what I want even if it may not be good for me. A young man at my job caught my eye. Conversing when we see each other my mind thought I saw something. Asking him out to dinner, he immediately said yes. Asking for his number, I immediately received it. I want things to happen when I want them to happen, including people. Waiting a day to text him. Not going how I thought, he’s been relatively quiet and distant. I have no problem asking the person I want to be around out for a date. The times are quite different and a lot of men are not seeking women these days. It’s sad. Or maybe those aren’t men but little boys. 

Stuck in my head, feeling pressure behind my eyes. I’ve never been more exhausted in my life. I’ve never had so many late nights, doing my best to keep myself together. Coming to terms with being a possible sex addict, the choice being porn and mastubration. That’s another internal struggle inside that never seems to get healed. That well is so bottomless my heart is concerned that it’ll never be filled. This addiction feeds my fantasy, at the age of 4 thinking of sex. I don’t know how it feels to not have sex on my mind. It clouds my judgment of love. I have no clue if I’m really attracted to someone or have lust toward them. I don’t trust my thinker, the perception feels off and none of it seems to fit the reality of those around me. 

I just want to sleep. This season has been the most work I’ve put into my life. I’ve never worked this hard to just maintain normalcy. Sitting in my Thursday night small group, one of the members said, “I don’t know about you guys but it just seems like I’ve been running uphill these past months.” We all agreed. It feels like I’m running a race that has gotten increasingly difficult. Fantasy creates expectations and those cause resentments. I resent a lot of people but mainly myself because I allowed a world to be created that was not based in reality. I’m not even sure my eyes and heart can see reality anymore.