herlucidlife

In my mind we’ve gone on several dates, had gut wrenching laughs and now he’s at the house for my homemade soup. When the reality is I have no clue who this person is. I don’t believe I read the signs correctly. I know I wanted to be liked more than I was actually liked. It’s sad when people say “oh you’re a great person, any guy would be lucky heck blessed to be with you.” But then I can’t even get a text back. What is worth all that greatness if I sit at home still yearning for something real. I’ve tried waiting for the guy, even tried going to the guy and what I’m learning is that nothing is going to work if God is blocking it. Jumping to conclusions is a form of expectations. I’d like to think what I expect is not out of reach, yet if I’m the only one that knows about the expectations expecting them to be met then I’m the nut. 

 Tired, exhausted, mentally drained. I thought going to school would be a nice break from the fantasyland in my head. Instead, it heightened my need for a break. Enrolled purely for the experience and learning, among other reasons. Assignments turned in late most weeks. Some days I think I’m okay then other days feel like quicksand at ten speed. Listening to Christian music, at work washing the dishes effortlessly, my body is doing the work while my brain is ready to shut down. I really want to lash out and do all the things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Someone divine is holding me together. I future tripped on a man I have no idea of. Seeing someone at work, having small banter, making eye contact throughout the day. Think I might be delusional. How do “normal” people function? Teach me your ways!

I waited a full day before I sent a text. Having got his number the day before, I was proud of myself for stepping up. Never regretting the effort I put in, I clearly don’t listen to what other people say because if I want someone or something…I’m going to go after it. The issue is that I’ve felt severely distracted from God. My mind is in constant circles and I’ll be frank…it was in circles before I approached him. Sad thing is my mind never stops going round and round and round. In this moment true peace would be not having a single thought in my mind, just a moment of blankness. Eyes are heavy at work, having gone to bed at 1:30AM again. Doing my best to get homework in, I don’t want to be in school anymore.

Creative Nonfiction is the genre I’ve been writing in this whole time. I had no clue! A fairly new genre but it’s creative in the descriptive detail and nonfiction because it’s absolutely true. Real name, real feelings, real story. I have a niche. Now I’m simply overwhelmed, exhausted and waiting for something to shake. I can’t keep going like this.