herlucidlife

The distance between God and I seems to be getting bigger. Feeling disconnected. I haven’t felt right since Monday when I watched porn. The next day I asked ole boy out. My mind has felt so clouded and very foggy all week. I thought I had some kind of plan when I went into school but now that I am here, the purpose doesn’t seem worth it. I’m going to school to get a better handle on my writing and excel. Now that I’m in the thick of it feels like I’ve already been doing what I need to. My mind likes to think things move way faster, when in reality life moves relatively slow. Even with the days moving at hyper speed there are some things that take a while. 

My mind said, “I’ll go to school, get a job writing and be able to boost my blog.” I skipped over the time it would take to do all of that. I did not consider the two years in school, nor the workload. Granted it’s not bad at all, but having time for God, recovery, work and everything else that brings peace of mind feels heavy. I began slacking on my writing to learn how to write…that makes no sense. Now I’m considering adding another level of recovery specifically for my life long porn habit. I’ve seriously been considering going to sex addiction meetings. Recovery has kept me clean from all drugs and thank God that I’m no longer yearning to be high or get high. The manifestation of my disease has always attacked my carnal pleasure. 

My body has always felt like an enemy. When I get hungry I want to eat. When I’m thirsty I want to drink water. When I feel aroused for whatever reason I want to feed that sensation. Just as I feed all the other sensations. The sensation is not wrong yet the way I cater to it is. I’m not married so I should not be having sex nor should I be looking at naked bodies on the screen. So? I burn with desire white knuckling through. I’ve abstained for periods of time yet I always fall. I do not want to be this way. I have no clue what it feels like to never have this feeling. As a child I could not wait to get home to feel my body and think thoughts. 

What is life without this feeling? I have no clue. Once again, it seems unmanageability has become evident. Unmanageable thoughts are like walking through wet cement. I do my best to lean on God, it’s sad sometimes I’ll let my flesh win. Just like my drug addiction, I feel sick. Diseased.