herlucidlife

This past week I’ve felt overwhelmed, head under water. Just drained, physically and mentally exhausted. Spiritual disconnection was sitting heavy on my shoulders. When looking at my life it hit me that I spend all my time doing school work. Absolutely in no way do I feel fed, productive or genuinely connected to the work. It felt like something cute to do, something I got in my head. Never considering the effort it would take. I came in with many expectations, unfortunately those are just fantasies and expectations rarely ever come true. I began school to strengthen my writing but I have rarely written since being in school. I began school to possibly get a job as a writer but I have my own blog so really I’m already published. 

Editing my own work, running my website I’m doing exactly what I want to do without any credentials. I was so focused on school that my connection with God and recovery began to slip. I was fitting God and recovery to my life rather than fitting my life to God and recovery. I began acting out, barely hanging onto my cleanliness and spirituality. Life felt bleak. Acting out on my “drug” of choice.  Every time I throw away a vibrator, I buy another one several weeks later. After talking with a friend, it hit me that I never went to school to glorify God. I went hoping I could learn some magical tool that would make my writing famous. 

I was seeking money, fame, status not God. I wanted to be great in my eyes, not in the eyes of God. Chasing after those things for just several weeks had me feeling glost and purposeless. I couldn’t imagine what I would’ve felt had I continued to go on. Though productive it was another distraction from what I need to be doing…healing. I hate the word healing. It’s so overused. I need to allow the process of my wounds to scab over until they begin to itch and feel tight until one day the scab has fallen off…the process is complete. Some of my wounds have not begun to scab because I keep interrupting the process or haven’t allowed the process to start at all. A simple bruise on the knee takes a week or more to heal. Things of the heart, emotional and spiritual things can take years. I want to know what the other side looks like. I can get to the other side.