herlucidlife

I never want those in my circle to feel unappreciated. There have been days when I was so focused on not having my person that I neglected the community surrounding me. Focusing on the one thing I don’t have, makes gratitude for what I do have impossible. Family, chosen or not, has loved me until I can love myself. I do all the right things yet I still don’t know what it means to love myself. I don’t know how to have a relationship with me. Sometimes I don’t want a relationship with me. My family tells me the hard truth even when I don’t want to hear. They shower encouragement when I want to ignore it and stay in my hole. They hold my hand when I’d rather fall to the wayside. 

Maybe if I look close enough I’ll see them showing me how to love myself. Some days I have no clue how I feel and yet they listen to that too. The phone gets real heavy most days. I don’t like to call and half the time I don’t want to answer. I know there’s genuine human contact on the other side, maybe that’s my fear creeping in. God has blessed me with so many people that pour godliness into me. Thursday night a small group, nestled in the warm home of one of the members. A young married couple opened up their home for the presence of God to come in. Nine people sitting in a circle, we went off the beaten path. Deviating from reading the scripture, the lead for the night was led to do something different. Instead we shared our lives, our struggles and joys at the present moment.   

I particularly needed this moment with my family. Having gotten teary eyed at work, it suddenly hit me that the guy I like at work only sees me as a regular co-worker. Nothing he said, nothing I did. I was simply listening and allowing God to shatter my fantasy so that reality could bleed through. My heart was hurt because I built up something in my head that was never true. I shared it with my small group. Looking for acceptance, validation, and security from men. It blurs my vision so much that I lose who I am in God. They reminded me that my identity is in Christ. My family didn’t concern me with finding the right guy or saying he would come but they helped me focus my attention on God. 

Walking alongside me they gave encouragement, love and godliness. I walked away from the group this evening feeling filled and refreshed. The love in the room is a miracle. I had no clue who these people were just six months ago. God put me with the correct people for the correct time in my life. I have an addiction yet mostly I struggle with an identity issue. I am who God says I am. I’m learning to unlearn who I’ve called myself to be.