herlucidlife

I get stuck in my head some days. It can be difficult continuing to be vulnerable when I know people are reading. I need to get something off my chest in my safe place. 

September twenty-twenty three, pulling into the parking lot, anxious about meeting the group for dinner. Wearing my oversized Grambling sweatshirt, that once hugged the skin of my mother. Swaying to the groove of my light wash jeans, feet nestled into my old Ugg slides. Dressing for comfort helps me feel confident. Thoughts swirling of how I should behave, what should I say? What do they think of me? I parked the car, counting the dollars in my pocket. Planning to buy the cheapest thing on the menu, it was pricier than expected. 

Seeing this young man every Sunday in bible study and most Thursday nights. He was just another person in the class. Another person seeking God like I am. Thursday night our small group went to Torchy’s Tacos. Walking into the door as usual I was on time which means I was early. I spotted him getting a drink at the refill station as I walked into the door. Ordering my food at the counter, walking to the refill station to retrieve my drink. Walking toward him to say hello, we were the first ones to show up. As the rest of the group poured in, stretching across four tables, we sat across from each other. No feelings are swirling, just nervousness from still feeling new to the group. Doing my best to understand what it means to be myself in a sea of unknown. 

Slouching in his chair, carefully and calmly eating his food. At our end of the table five of us talked about the mundane activities of life we stumbled upon the topic of addiction. Sharing part of my story, the young man sitting across from me identified. Struggling with substance abuse himself it felt like kindred spirits. At that moment the switch flipped, I saw something that was invisible before. Watching his face as he spoke about the troubles he incurred during active addiction. I empathize with him. Catching myself, my eyes felt googley. Affection filled my mind. Brushing the feeling off, I straightened up at the table hoping no one noticed. I almost felt embarrassed, my cheeks flush with redness. What just happened? 

Walking away from dinner fulfillment in my heart. Content. The days, weeks and months  pushed on, thinking nothing about what happened in my mind. I was focused on getting through the days, getting through my mind. The feeling was evident only at church and getting to see more of him was nice. I like getting to know a man through the lens of Christ. Continuing to say hello at church, keeping it short and sweet. I did nothing to chase, I’ve taken my running shoes off. Fast forward to two weeks ago. Enjoying church service, I’ve spoken about my blog in class during fellowship. Leaving church heading to Target to pick up a bridal shower gift for one of the young ladies in my Sunday school class. Feeling peace and serenity on this lovely day. I received a direct message on GroupMe. 

Two hours later seeing his name on the app I wondered what he wanted. I was elated to know he wanted the link to my blog. His phone number attached to the message, I texted within the hour. Reading some of the posts, he was touched. The unexpected was two weeks of text conversation over God, recovery, addiction and life. Scary to think the puzzle pieces were fitting together. It all began to happen when I committed myself to focusing on behaving like a child of God.