herlucidlife

Through our conversation I noticed the emotions swirling in my head. I didn’t go looking for this man, simply living my life being myself. I could feel myself looking for ways to draw happiness from his well into mine. Though physically I never did anything, taking notice of how easy it was to feel happy in his presence yet also rejection without. God is cultivating true joy within. I’m becoming okay with myself yet I’m only at the beginning of truly being okay. I was only looking at this person as a friend yet now I’m seeing things differently. The battle is not external but internal. I choose to no longer believe any voice in my head, just the Holy Spirit’s voice. Instead of looking for ways to slide in, I dig deep into God, squeeze His hand tight and say, “please help me look at You!” 

Three days ago our conversation came to an end. Granted I couldn’t believe he was even talking to me in the first place…but that’s a whole nother internal battle God is walking me through. Anyway, naturally the texts slowed. I pray like water is needed in the desert because my mind has been so consumed. I do my best to keep my eyes on God because He’s the only solution to life in general, especially this mind. Going to lunch with some ladies after church, sharing our stories and speaking about God. It was a great time of sisterhood in Christ. Multigenerational, I felt connected and full. See I’ve been praying for God to direct this person either away from me or to me, solely based on His will. I do not want to chase, nor step outside of His will to get what I think I need. 

I richly ask for God’s will to be done and for the courage to be content with whatever He decides. God reveals everything we need at the right moment. Rather than looking for what I want to see, I’m choosing to see what God is putting in front of me…that includes accepting His timing and holding fast to Him. With that being said, I’ve been surrendering this crush to God, His will will be done. Getting up from the booth this Sunday, having enjoyed community with the ladies. The woman that invited me asked about my crush (she nor any one at church knows about my feelings). She said, “ I saw you speaking to him after church, I wanted to invite him to lunch yet thought it would be inappropriate if it were just him and I. Would you like to join us for lunch, I’ll set it up and Mrs. A can join us as well.” 

I felt like God answered a prayer I’d whispered unspokenly. Continuing with the rest of my day, sometimes it seems like God has sent me to be a witness to the lives of others to show me what is on the horizon for mine. Attending a bridal shower with numerous children, young married ladies and family ties. I look at the lives of others not with envy, yet with a sense of wonder and intrigue. Wanting to be a fly on the wall, experiencing just this small moment of time with the bride and her family and friends. It hit me even more that I would love to have a family. I was raised to never date outside of my ethnicity. I visibly remember my mother saying, “never bring any man that is not black to this home.” She thought all ethnicities of men were good looking, yet they were only meant for looking not dating. I’ve lived by this toxic code my whole dating career. 

When I moved something in me shifted. Perhaps experiencing heartbreak from almost every black man I’ve dated. I realized it’s not about ethnicity but about the heart. Regardless of color, I never purposely sought out men who pursued the heart of God without selfish intent. Yet here I am liking someone who is of a different ethnicity and I’m having a hard time believing that person could see me as beautiful. I believe I am beautiful, it’s sad because when it comes to men it only makes sense that I would be beautiful to a black man. What makes other ethnicities see each other as beautiful in a romantic way?…Perhaps I could answer my own question, I see him as gorgeous. Eyes that look bluish green with bold blackness. A smile that could light up a room with full rosy pink lips. Energy that is comforting, meek, and understands who they are. His relationship with God is refreshing because it’s not boastful in himself but in God only. I sense purity of the heart, genuine care and obedience.  

Mm, in that case I can be beautiful to him and to any other person regardless of ethnicity. Energy and heart transcends time, space and color lines.