herlucidlife

I don’t call myself crazy yet I realize it’s so easy for me to read into things. Nice gestures, conversations, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. A quality my mother loved about me, I rarely asked for much because life and love don’t need much. Yet requiring little does not mean the workload is less. Recovery doesn’t require much, simply a meeting, working the steps, a sponsor and community is all each addict needs. Even taking care of little takes great consistency. I understand that my social cues can be skewed. Oftentimes I doubt my gut feeling because my emotions get involved too much. Lately, I’ve done really well at not acting on my emotions but on God’s will. Applying His knowledge to my day. 

I feel much better having spewed my emotions in my safe space…One more thing. Going through the questions in step four. Thoroughly looking at my feelings in certain situations and around people. A lot of the negative emotions I felt were a direct consequence of the wrong decisions I made. They were a direct result of operating in my will and not God’s. I used to blame my emotions on the situation, circumstance and person. I now realize my emotions are my responsibility and I need to choose wisely where I put myself. I can not be upset with a negative result when I chose the wrong thing. I created my own horror story. I was impatient, disobedient, impulsive and selfish. 

Only concerned with how I could be served, what would it look like to think about a relationship as an opportunity to serve? What if I look to be of service in romantic relationships rather than be taken care of? Every romantic relationship in the past has been self serving, self centered and egocentric. They were built to feed me something that I was too scared to look within to find. Everything I need is already within if I let God cultivate it. Only enhancing what was on the inside…loneliness, fear, rejection, uncertainty, insecurity, unsafety and feeling trapped was all I brought. Then I expected the man to disarm all that baggage and make me feel secure. What an impossible task to ask of a human! Those things are better given to God. 

Each moment of the day I look to God to show me the way. Regardless of the outcome, the experience is the most rewarding. Until I die there will always be things to maintain and cultivate. I surrender every crush, every situation that is out of my control, and each person in my circle. I can only control my decision…(side note) I think I need to allow older women to be more of a mother figure to me. I was twenty-two when my mother died, I never identified with being an adult until the tender age of thirty. I realize there is a scared little girl inside of me and she doesn’t fully know how to trust this adult naje to take care of her… she’s learning how. Heck I’m learning to take care of my adult self let alone the most anxious fragile parts of me. 

I rely on God. I also know that He brings people into our lives for a purpose and I don’t want to neglect anyone’s purpose because I have too much pride. No one can take the place of my mother yet truth be told I think my soul could use some mothering. Humbly.