herlucidlife

April 4th my emotions said…

It’s really easy to come on here and spout things that sound good. Her eight year anniversary is rolling around. I can not believe what life looks like today. It’s more vibrant than I thought yet also more introspective than what I was ready for. Everyday I’m learning to love the naje God created after she died. I had no clue who I was. I died with her and felt like a shell. Doing what my flesh wanted, hoping God wouldn’t leave me. I was so afraid to let go of who I thought I was or supposed to be. God granted me something deeper. Today I am bold, vibrant, a little wiser and teachable. Her death doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. Her presence doesn’t sting as much. I look forward to seeing her in my dreams. She’s become my subconscious best friend. 

Nerves balled into themselves. It’s almost become a term of endearment that if I like you I’m probably nervous, that includes family and friends as well as romantic things. Seeking God hard, praying for guidance. I went for someone different. Opposite of anything that has ever attracted me. I asked out this young man from church and he said yes. I get all butterflied when I know his presence is around. I overthink text messages and pray for God to remove those feelings of fear. Abandoning some ideologies taught by my mother, I’ve gained confidence. 

Looking into his clear eyes I see kindness. My mind flutters to shut off mode because she can not compute the emotional rollercoaster amidst conversation. Yall know I could talk about my love interest all day because honestly it is the thing I’ve longed for since childhood. I never wanted a certain career or job, I simply just wanted to be a good godly wife. Now I’m not saying this person is my husband, it’s way too early for that conversation. My prayer this morning was surrender, enjoyment of the experience in each moment. How he feels about me is out of my control. How any person feels about me is out of my control. All I can do is treat people well and pray it translates into love on their end. 

Have you ever wanted to stare into his eyes, speaking no words? That’s how I felt speaking to him at bible study. It’s not a lustful look but heartwarming. It feels unfamiliar. Though exciting, it’s the unknown that makes it nerve racking. I realize that only my surrender is in my control. In Jesus Name, I surrender and let go of the need to control any emotions, and allow You’re goodness to flow over me. I don’t have to shut them off. Rather I can honor them by letting You hold onto them. I validate my emotions by speaking about them. Smitten, tail between the legs and humble. Emotions humble me so quickly, it brings to mind the humanity I so desperately want to leave behind. I could go deeper. I’m halting myself from reaching the floor because I don’t want the audience to get tired. 

Perhaps in the next post…