herlucidlife

Thoughts of April 4th continued…

The mental difference in this attraction is that I’ve given it over to God. Every day multiple times a day I pray in humility for the capacity to let go. I’ve liked and loved so many boys for it to go south. The possibility it could be too good to be true adds to the anxiety. I also realize that if worry is hanging around then there’s something I’m holding onto that is out of my control. I do not want to go about this the way I always have. I do not want to go toward this without God. I need Him to guide me to the exit. In my mind when I wake up, before I can utter a word to God my mind is already speaking his name. Infatuation. In the past, I would’ve said I am in love. Growth has taught me that liking someone alot has a longer shelf life than simply riding the wave of love. Love is an action rooted in a deep emotion of respect and care for the other. Something that is still being produced. 

I like him an awful lot. Thoughts swirl in my mind. I take them to God. I pray over him and his family. God knows the deepest desires of my heart. Nothing is rushed with God, He is intentional and purposeful. I’m not in a rush this time. All I want is for the feeling of awkwardness to leave. Perhaps that emotion is just simply a part of the experience of liking a guy. Rather than wishing it away, maybe embracing it would create empathy within myself. Wishing it away is me wanting to control how I feel and the pace as which my emotions move. God is with me through all things. There’s no need to feel scared.

I have butterflies. (blushing with a little smile) I love that. I’m blessed to be experiencing this moment. Sweet and tender these are the most precious times of a new attraction. So why would I rush them away? Because they feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar. A beautiful gift from the Most High. I will hug them tight in my arms, pressing them against my heart, cherishing the fact that my heart still understands how to feel.