herlucidlife

April 6th went as follows…

Anniversary day. It was more difficult than I was prepared for. Having gone to bed extremely late, little to no rest under my belt. Driving to work, having thanked God for Who He is. He is only able to do what He does because of Who He is. Immediately after praying I could feel the irritation fill my mind. My body, moving slowly from lack of sleep. The whole week I thought about her and how I would feel on the day. I felt quite light leading up to the day. In years past her death day was not difficult to manage. This year was different. 

Eight years. Walking into work I was already feeling mentally unruly. Mustering the strength needed to get through it. Half moon on its back was almost impossible to create on my face. My voice could barely reach over a whisper, every gesture was forced. Felt like pulling a million moons into one. I couldn’t fake that my emotions were all over the place. I kept brushing off the feeling for something else. Deep down I didn’t want to admit it was grief. Looking for any other option, there were none. I feel like a child when I speak about grief. I’ve lost many family members I was close to and I miss all of them dearly, yet I haven’t experienced a loss as great as hers. 

Doing my task, I found it difficult to be mentally all in this week. Continuing to brush off the feelings, I just assumed it was no big deal. The day came, looking at my clock at one in the morning I whispered to myself, “it’s the day.” Walking into work, my body felt like lead. Working, keeping my head down hoping I would feel better. The weight got heavier and heavier. Doing my best, grief looks different today than it did before. Granted, I don’t really understand how it feels or what it looks like. Going through the motions, not wanting to help customers just doing what was in front of me. 

The store manager could see on my face that I wasn’t well. She asked, “are you okay?” Immediately I could feel the tears well up, I just couldn’t say it. Giving me her concern, she walked away. Going to the bathroom, I released the tension. Little droplets turned into a quiet stream down my cheeks. Muffled sniffs in the stall. Standing in the small room, it took a while for the water to slow down. Walking out of the stall to wash my hands, eyes bloodshot. Heading back to my station, zombied and numb waiting for the pizza to finish in the oven. I no longer felt real. My mind was foggy, my eyes felt like they had been removed. I couldn’t feel anything, while sensing everything. The people looked fake as if I was observing a television show in real time. 

No longer able to endure, I asked my manager if I could be excused early. Once again, I couldn’t say it but the water wanted to well back up. I told him I was grieving and just needed to be. Leaving work two hours early, coming home. Skipping the gym just for today. I asked for what I needed and gave myself what I needed. 

Sometimes you just have to be still.